We are getting into the swing of things now. During the day, the kids are stoically working their way through their online schoolwork, cleverly breaking the heavy load down into manageable 15 second chunks.

That way, they can still fit in their truly compulsory tasks of asking for food every two minutes, wondering what the time is, and writing today’s list of all the things that are unfair. I then mark them on their spelling and punctuation, insisting that when declaring how much I suck, exclamation marks must be used.

Maths is also going really well. They are now able to use percentages very effectively as a means of grading how mean I am being on any given day.

So far my most heinous daily crimes appear to be asking them to get up, asking them to wash, and offering them fruit as snacks, which is apparently tantamount to forcing them eat gruel.

In desperation, I printed out a load of recipes and internet advice from child experts on how to sneak fruit and veg into their diet so they ‘won’t even know it’s there’. It turns out they do know. They know instantly and loudly. So I am trialling a new system of telling them that if they don’t eat it, they won’t be allowed screen-time later on. So far I have a 100% success rate and the printed recipes are now in the toilet roll cupboard for when the panic-buyers force us into a needs-must situation.

Speaking of which, one of the things we are doing in the midst of all the madness, is trying to toilet train our puppy. He’s pretty much got it now, but at 11pm we need him to do his thing so that he doesn’t wake us up at 3am.

The trouble is he’s very sleepy at that time and doesn’t want to go despite constant cajoling, bribes of treats, trying to make a game of it, you name it. It was when I walked in to find my husband calmly explaining to him how important it was for him to help us out with this, we were all doing our bit for the family and this was his opportunity to take one for the team, that I realised the cracks were beginning to show.

Thankfully, we found the answer a couple of nights ago. All we have to do is stand in the garden in the dark and freezing cold, pointing our phone torches at ourselves, and MIME doing a poo for him. Hey presto! Instant results. And yes I do mean the dog.

The fact that my husband chooses to add sound effects to his amateur dramatics is something that I’m trying very hard not to think about. That, and how we are going to explain this to the neighbours.

All I can say is Bring on Bedtime!